i hate you

 

i hate you...

for cheating on me...

for making me feel so stupid...

for making me look like an idiot...

i've done everything for you..

gave you everything you wanted...

and this is how you repay me..?

you're so selfish...

i'm not asking anything from you...

all i ever wanted is to be loved...

that's all i'm asking from you...

is that too much to ask..?

how could you do this to me...

i've so faithful to you...

i can't even remember the last time i dated somebody besides you...

how could you do this to me..?

and now you're asking for forgiveness..?

you know how much i love you...

but i can't take this any longer...

i can't bear seeing you in somebodies arms...

i hate myself...

cause i let you do this to me...

i hate myself for letting you cheat on me...

i hate this freaking life...

how could i forgive you know..?

i hate every memories you left...

i hate you for leaving me...

i hate you for killing your self...

how i wish

woke-up one morning my cellphones ringing...

pick it up and heard a familliar voice...

it's my long lost girlfriend...

haven't heard any from her for the past two years...

we had a little chat...

the conversation goes well...

then suddunly she ask me...

"would you belive me if i tell that we have a child?"

shocked...

i paused for a little...

then i asked her..

"is it a boy or is it a girl?"

she replyed...

"a boy"

i don't know what to feel...

i don't know what to say...

i was so overjoyed by what she said...

i always wanted a kid...

a son to call my own...

it's the reality of my dreams...

i asked her again...

"can i see him?"

she said "no..."

disappointed

i asked her again...

"why... i'm he's father... i have my rights..."

that's the time that she told me what happened...

before she left me and went to their province...

she didn't  knew that shes pregnant that time...

she got drunk one night...

went to the comfort room...

slide her feet and fell to the ground...

went unconscious...

the next thing she knew she's lying on a hospital bed...

the doctors told her that she had a micarriage...

that was the only time that she knew that she was pregnant...

she never did have the strength to contact me again...

she were so afraid that i might get mad at her if i found out what happened...

for two long years she hides from me...

i listened to her stories...

teary eyes...

can't speak...

can't absorb the thoughts that i have a child...

and haven't even have the chance to hold her...

i paused...

then this words come out my mouth...

"i don't wanna hear another word from you again!!!"

"don't ever call me again!!!"

"i hate you!!!"

then i hung up...

i hate the day she ran away...

none of this would've happened...

if she stays..

i would've been a good father...

i guess?

how wish he was born...

i'm a lucky guy

why me?

often i ask my self...

i'm a walking time bomb...

any moment my heart's gonna explode...

can't find a girl who could love me right...

i'm always looking for that spark...

and always end up getting cheated...

hate them all...

i'm an orphan by choice...

i don't like the way my parents raise me...

at an early age i left home...

i hate my parents...

my sister is a bitch...

at the age of 21 she already have 4 kids...

his hustband jobless...

i hate my sister...

i work in my dads company...

cause he don't want me working anywhere else...

i'm his personal slave...

i hate my work...

i don't belive in heaven or hell...

i don't think that god really exist...

not in my world...

i hate god...

i have a heart decease...

i only have a few months to live...

the doctors always reminds me that...

i hate doctors...

hope that tomorrow never comes...

the sun reminds me that my life is dawning near...

how i wish it won't shine again...

i hate this world...

i tryed to commit suicide a lot of times...

but i always failed...

sometimes i wonder...

i'm a lucky guy after all...

never again

 

inside a hospital somewhere in manila...

nurses are rushing inside the emergency room...

doctors trying to revive a man...

blood all over his face...

can't even recognize him...

his wife and kids crying outside the door...

and i was sitting in a corner near the fire exit...

petrified...

freezing...

i keep on asking myself...

"is he still alive?"

2 hours ago i was in a birthday party of my cousin...

singing with my relatives...

throwing silly jokes on them...

dancing drunk and dizzy...

we ran out of beer...

my cousin asked me if i could drive him to the nearest convenient store...

though i can't barely stand up straight i said...

"sure no problem"

we hit the road...

the nearest store left open that time is about a mile away...

my cousin asked me if i could go faster...

50mph my cousin shouted...

"DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW TO DRIVE?"

under the influence of alcohol i enjoy putting my life at risk...

i love the adrenalin rush...

i open the window at my side...

and felt the strong wind hitting my face...

going 60mph...

the excitement...

the thrill of being in danger...

going 70mph red lights on...

beat that red light...

another red light...

pass it again...

i told my cousin...

"PUT ON YOUR SEAT BELT!!!"

but he didn't put it on...

instead he went to the backseat of my car...

i can hear my cousin screaming...

"STOP THE CAR!!!"

i didn't listen...

i pretend not hearing him...

i hit the gas instead...

another red light...

"BANG!!!"

80mph my car hit a cab crossing...

the cab take a 360 degree spin before hitting a fire hydrant...

my car in the middle of the street...

both cars are totally wrecked...

people screaming...

i can't move...

i can't hear a thing...

i can't speak...

staring at the by standers...

wheres my cousin?

i saw him running...

scared of what happened...

the next thing i can remember i'm in a hospital...

thinking...

i keep on asking my self...

"did i kill him?"

the cab driver was announced dead after an hour of struggling...

the sun is rising...

i told my self...

"i'll never drive a car again..."

never again....

"i wanna be a kid"

 

what do you wanna be when you grow up?

probably the most popular question to a kid...

during my early age...

when i know nothing about the female anatomy...

all stinky and dirty and runs in the rain butt naked...

my usual answer to that question is...

"i want to be a pilot"

other kids my age would probably say

"i want to be a doctor"

"a teacher"

"an astronaut"

kids always aim high...

that's the spirit kid...

but that was just the first part of dreaming...

when i reach school and learned how to use the pencil and paper the right way...

i said to my mom...

"i want to be a painter"

which my mom hates...

cause our house turned out to be my canvas...

i have my art work on every wall of our house...

when i turned high school and learned how to drink beer...

i said to my self...

"i want to be a teacher"

i wanna educate people...

i was so amused by the way my teachers handle me...

even though i'm not the kind of student they want me to be...

college...

lots of girls... 

lots of prospects...

the peak of having a wild kind of life...

i don't wanna be a teacher no more...

"i wanna be rich... i wanna be famous... i wanna be every little bikini girls dream guy..."

but there's a problem...

how?

the dream became bigger...

every step i take...

every phase in life that i walk on through change as my environment change...

 the path became bigger...

the road became longer...

the questions more difficult than it was when i was a kid...

3am...

sitting on a chair...

trying to get a sleep...

i wanna answer that question...

what do i wanna be?

"i wanna be a kid..."

what the hell!!!

 

i wanna loose some weight...

i'm going to loose some weight...
i must...
i must...

a few years back those are the exact words that i've been telling my self...
say no to meat...
say no to rice...
no sweets...
no sugar...
die craving...

went to the gym...
carry those weights...
run every morning...
aerobics...
sit ups...
push ups...
die die die...

after six months of killing my self i got the result i want...
i loose a lot of weights...
i did it...
finally...
goodbye mr.tummy...

picked up the phone and ask this girl i've met in college for a date...
i really liked her ever since...
she's one of the reasons why i'm killing my self in loosing weight...
luckily she answered yes...

6pm
i've waited for her optimistic...
hope she likes my new look...

then she came...
red dress...
long straight black hair...
5 feet 3 inches tall...
36- 24- 36 (very mouth watering)...

the date went fine...
we eat...
went to an amusement center..
watch movie...
and laugh together...

then comes the time for us to part ways...
before she leave i asked her...
"would you be my girlfriend?"
she laugh and answer...
"i like you... but sorry... i like guys with a big tummy..."

WHAT THE HELL!!!

please answer me

8/18/10 12:33am

This is my first time to write a blog... everything is prepared... 

cigarettes check, ashtray check, background music check, dim lights check, text mates check, phone divert check...

just moments ago i was talking on the phone with my x girlfriend...

she wanted me to play this online game called zx destiny with her...

i downloaded the game...

while downloading i opened my facebook and check for friends updates...

then suddenly, something caught my attention...

i saw a picture of my x... the same girl who asked me to play the game...

in the picture there is a guy...

his recent boyfriend...

 i wanted to ignore it

but i cant help but to look at it

i click on the guys photo

search it

and hates what i saw...

i saw their characters ingame...

and a load of screen shots...

teary eyes...

should i play the game?

can i bear seeing them ingame?

what should i do?

should i pretend not knowing whats happening?

i hate it

i feel like so stupid...

she's just my x...

she don't belong to me any more...

i must move on...

but how?

i still care for her...

i still love her...

somebody?

any body?

please answer me...

what a way to waste my life

so tired...

haven't slept for 30 hours now...

i can feel my body floating...

nicotine...

it runs in my blood...

i hate it...

but i cant resist it...

who ever invented cigarette should be praised for it...

he invented the most addictive thing of all time...

long live mr. marlboro man...

hahaha

hope you die with cancer...

why do i take this stuff anyway?

it only makes my lungs go weaker everyday...

i'm not getting any younger with it

lessen my chances of getting older...

but i can't help it

i gotta have it

i must have it...

i'm addicted to it...

i love the way it touches my mouth...

far more better than some girls i know way back in highschool...

hahaha

if this thing is a girl...

she'll be the best kisser in the world...

and it's a guy...

don't even wanna think about it...

hahaha

it gives me satisfaction...

relaxation...

peace of mind...

whew

what a way to waste my life...